Winning - After THE Call

As a breast cancer survivor, being under the supervision of a doctor is supposed to be a "normal" and regular part of my life. So this past week I began the process of finding a new physician and oncologist; beginning the process of blood work and X-rays to establish their records of my new post-cancer normal. Let me just say I dislike this.

Perhaps this is why I never "found" a doctor while we were in PA. Perhaps. Or maybe I just plain freaked out about the whole situation in some sort of a 4-year delay? Perhaps. Maybe I just didn't deal with it while it was all happening? Perhaps. I mean, you know my husband was gone for about 8 months of the 18 we lived there, right? Isn't that a good reason? Perhaps.

I know I have more respect for those with ongoing issues because of my own negative neuro-associations with the whole appointment process and the time to be seen by a specialist and the paperwork and the wait for results and the heartache. Oh, and the fear. Strike that. Terror. And ultimately, just making an appointment as a cancer survivor can, in my experience, be a true act of courage. The terror for me lies in the process - that I won't put on the "It's all good" face well enough - to put on a smile and say it is no big deal - just another Dr.'s appointment.

In reality, for me there is a  knee-buckling terror that beats in my heart because I have received the call before. You've heard about the call - you've listened to someone tell you about their call and silently praised all things holy it was them not you. "I'm so sorry to have to tell you, we found cancer" - that call. You remember - you felt guilty about being able to walk away from the whole situation and not have to deal with what they were about to go through. It's how you know without question that you don't can't truly understand.

Admittedly, the terror isn't really in the medical process for me. It is the realization that my body could have silently planned and carried out an uprising without my knowledge. A rebellion. Total betrayal. A dirty rotten traitor. I mean, if you can't be in charge of your own body - then how can you handle all the other things you are supposed to do and be responsible for? Your sense of direction and purpose come to a grinding halt and a new direction becomes just the next day, the next appointment, the next test, another call.

So, yes, willingly submitting myself to be in the process makes me catch my breath if I think about it too much. I know in my mind it is just a new doctor, just an appointment. I also know in the back of my mind I want to throw a 2-year old tantrum screaming I DON'T WANT TO GO! I know to just BREATHE DEEP in and out; that I can keep tears from spilling over by looking up and thinking of something else.  Ultimately it is me who determines and I refuse to be blind-sided by my body again. Which is why I met the doctor, went to the appointment, got a call to return for follow-up, and sat through the results recently. It is why I will go to see the referred oncologist and be diligent about knowledgeable care.

I am already a proven survivor. Strike that. I am living strong and healthy. My record is 1-0 in a 1-game series. I have already won.